i seem fine but i can’t take the highs and the lows (♫)
The world ended, and then five years later, it came back to life. It's hard to comprehend some days. It had been hard to comprehend back then too when they'd learned Earth's Mightiest Heroes had faced their greatest foe and lost. All of thirty seconds had passed before a crushing wave of guilt washed over her because she should have been there. She could have stopped it.
Daisy Johnson lived with that guilt every moment of those five years. She'd carried it with her and never once set it down, nor had she ever spoken of it with anyone during all that time. Not even Coulson knew how deeply she internalized the universe's loss — she couldn't bear to burden him with it when he already struggled so much with his new existence. It was part of why she'd been ready and willing to head back out into space, eager to do her part to make sure Earth had enough allies that they'd never suffer this way again.
Months have passed since life returned to what it should be, and yet she still can't shake the physical ache in her chest whenever she's reminded of what happened. A news alert about the struggles of displaced people. Notice of another support group for those who were blipped. Another memorial service planned for those lost in the final battle. (She should have been there, too.) So when Coulson asks for a favor, she can't say no. Not that she would have anyway. She could never say no to the man who's become her father.
Check in on an old friend. That's the favor. It sounds so simple until he gives her the details. He's worried about that friend, but she's a lot like May in that she's not overly chatty about her feelings, and he thinks she might be too stubborn to admit she's struggling. Who is it? Oh, just Maria freaking Hill.
To say she's nervous would be a bit of an understatement. To be clear, it's not the other woman's reputation that makes her nervous; Daisy's heard plenty about the former SHIELD agent from Coulson and May, their stories helping to balance out the awe-struck and intimidated ones she's heard from legacy agents over the years. No, it's her personal worry that she'll fail at this too and let Coulson down, which is the last thing she ever wants to do.
If someone tried to describe the experience of vanishing in the snap and then returning the words just wouldn’t come. It was something that was both unique and a totally common occurrence experienced by half the population. As Maria grappled with this whole concept of feeling like she was gone for a moment and returning to learn the world had moved on for five years in a mass absence it just was not something she could describe. It was difficult to conceptualize, her own mind couldn’t believe it. Truly, the term blip really was the only way to define it, but putting a name on it didn’t help the insurmountable mental and logistical challenges that came with returning.
The blip was the only thing that could make time and life itself seem more like nothing and also everything at the exact same time. Did you lose time in the blip or did you gain time from the absence? How old are you, are you 35 or 40? In what felt like mere moment of absence, the whole world had changed. Everything about life as Maria knew it—as everyone knew it— was entirely different. She didn’t have a home, or a job, or technically an identity because she and billions of other people were basically considered dead or ‘vanished.’ The return from the blip was as chaotic as start of it, mass confusion that seemed like it had never stopped.
Despite these overwhelming problems, there wasn’t much she could do about it except suppress it entirely. The first thing Maria did when her she only had one fully formed foot on the ground was immediately try to get back to work. For a brief few moments of return, she hadn’t even realized anything had happened all she could remember was seeing a car crash, were she and Fury in a crash? When the two of them returned they immediately started helping people not even understanding that they also were need of it.
Nick and Maria truly did try to just slide back into work before even grappling with anything they just experienced but since their calls out to anyone they knew went unanswered, they were left to put some pieces together on their own. There really wasn’t anywhere for them to go until they were finally in contact with Coulson. Even though she was encouraged to definitely not try to return to work, Maria couldn’t help herself if she stopped working for three days she would not function. By day three of trying to get her life figured out she attempted to return to work, but nothing made the reality of the blip hit more than seeing another person sitting at her desk in her office. In fact, “there’s a person in my office” was the very first thing she said to some of her colleagues she had not seen in the last five years.
She was assured the office situation would get figured out, but for now… for awhile she had to spend time getting her life figured out. The world had to spend time getting a new — new way of life figured out. This didn’t stop Hill from trying to get her hands on some kind of project to work on there were plenty of backlogged issues that needed to be addressed from the blip, but trying to jump right when she “worked” out of a barely furnished apartment Coulson was able to help her arrange wasn’t really addressing the issues she personally needed to address head on. When Coulson expressed his concern, she shrugged it off, telling him, “Trust me, it’s like I was never gone.” And that’s how she decided to treat it, at least that’s what she decided to say. Maybe this is why Coulson insisted Maria take some time to meet Daisy. Maria obliged Coulson's request to "acknowledge her" at least. At least the banter between the two of them was a sign that something could be normal again.
Driving down to the city from River's End was almost nostalgic. Despite not being planetside very much, she does keep an apartment in a SHIELD-owned building there for whenever she and Kora are in town. It feels a little weird to be heading there on her own now; Kora's decision to head back into space on her own was a big step for the both of them. They still talk every day as the communication network allows, but it's not quite the same as living and working together as Z-3. Her sister needs to figure out who she is as an individual, though, and Daisy will support her every step of the way.
A ridiculous number of hours were spent deciding how to meet the famous Maria Hill. Lunch seems a little too familiar; going for drinks is still casual without assuming any sort of relationship. But going anywhere public poses the challenge of them not being to speak freely. So there was the park, grabbing a coffee and walking so any prying ears could be easily noticed, but that felt wrong too. It needs to be somewhere the other woman could feel comfortable but also easily leave whenever she was ready, be that after five minutes or five hours.
In the end, Daisy extends an invitation to visit her at her apartment. It might be the wrong move, but it's the best she's got. Send her in to fight some supervillain trying to destroy the world and she doesn't break a sweat. Send her to face someone important to her mentor who's probably going through a personal crisis, though, and she's stressing hardcore. But it'll be fine. This will be fine. She's got beer in the fridge and a secret weapon in the form of Coulson's secret recipe for grilled cheese. What could go wrong?
It was a struggle from going to knowing everything to suddenly knowing nothing and trying to play a five year catch up game with what has been going on in the world. Trying to do this and also grapple with your own personal mental needs? Forget it. She couldn’t disadvantage herself any more than she already was. She could only focus on one at a time. She figured she could schedule her impending mental health crisis for later, like if she ever was fully integrated back into work, and then much much later took a vacation she could probably squeeze it in there somewhere. But, that was very far down the road.
There were far more important things going on than managing one woman’s psyche—at least that was how she explained it to herself to move on without focusing on it too much. It’s not like she could just blow off global security. Look what happened when she was gone for just five years? Romanoff thanklessly held the world together with a thread, and Hill owed it to her to make sure it stayed together. Someone had to do right by her. Frustratingly, a few months after the blip Maria still wasn’t where she wanted to be. Maybe there were safety reasons that she couldn’t just totally pick up right where she left off—there definitely were logistical reasons she couldn’t seem to get back up to speed the way she wanted to. There were people who worked at Shield now, who didn’t even know who she was. Was weird that it kind of made her laugh, thinking about that.
Maria accepted Daisy’s invite to meet at her apartment, Hill arrived exactly at the time she said she would. She arrived in truly unShield like attire, jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers—long gone were the days of one piece work outfits and high heeled boots. At least something good might have come from blipping. “Johnson, do you know I’m here or am I going to have to knock?” She asked to the door, she tried to keep playful, as if they were old friends, but it might have sounded harsh.
That ignore everything until an undetermined later date thing is something Daisy can certainly relate to. It's a strategy she's used more than once in her life to varying degrees of effect, though it's certainly not one she'd recommend. Ignoring and pushing the bad stuff down just leads to it all overflowing at the worst times. That's not to say that she's the perfect picture of mental health these days, her coping mechanisms definitely need some work, but she's a hell of a lot better than she used to be.
Maybe that's the real reason Coulson asked her to do this. He always did know how to bring out the potential in others.
The voice at the door is muffled but she has no trouble 'hearing' it, the vibrations in the air pinging against her senses and enhancing the words in a way she couldn't explain to anyone else. She's had her powers for so many years now that so much is instinctual and beyond even her own definition. Every so often, she and Jemma will try to nail something down, her best friend eager to understand ever more about Inhuman biology and abilities, but there are some things they just haven't cracked yet.
Moving to the door, she opens it with an open expression, not even pausing before addressing the other woman in a slightly more playful tone than Maria had managed. "Testing me already, huh?" But she doesn't wait for an answer before stepping back, opening the door wider for Maria to enter. "Come on in."
The apartment isn't anything fancy, though for NYC it probably could be considered that way. SHIELD purchased the entire building shortly after the Chronicom attack, doing the same in various cities around the world to provide secure housing for the agents stationed there. There's a full security system installed, noise shields in every apartment to allow for secure conversations, and any individual modifications needed for enhanced individuals. For Daisy's apartment, that means both bedrooms are lined with the power absorption panels used in containment modules, though they're hidden behind panels that give the rooms a more normal look.
As for the 'public' part of the apartment, there's a little hallway from the door that opens onto the kitchen that's separated from the living room by an island counter that serves as the main dining table. There's a couch and an oversized chair, coffee table and TV mounted to the wall — the colors and decor look like something out of a standard catalog, no real personality infused into those choices because they'd been made before any tenants moved in. No, it's the little things that tell the story of the people who live there — the assortment of instant photos crowding the fridge; the collection of Avengers-themed dancing hula dolls on the bookshelf crowded with bad movies and books from the '70s and '80s; the purple fuzzy blanket folded over the back of the oversized chair. The sisters might not be there much, but each stay leaves a little more of their imprint on the place.
"Do you want anything to drink?" she asks her guest, trying to be a good host when she's more than a little out of practice. "I've got beer, coffee... water?" A little apologetically, she adds, "I haven't been here much lately."
Maria smirked at Daisy’s reaction to the announcement of her presence as she opened the door. “Well, hello.” She said as the first time she and Daisy had ever stood face to face in their tenure. It was a brief face to face. Was she supposed to introduce herself? How did you meet someone that you knew of, who you knew knew of you? Why waste time saying what is already known, it wasn’t very efficient. Did it make it more awkward? Having taken the time to think about this she realized probably the moment had passed and she had to keep it moving. At least some things were same since before the blip, once you missed your intro window, you missed it.
As she followed Daisy inside she observed her apartment. “This is cute… nice…” Maria quickly self corrected realizing cute could be demeaning in a way she did not intend. “It kind of reminds me of my old apartment—-I know it is like a standard look but it’s almost like a little deja vu.”
Maria’s eyes darted to the photo covered fridge—the true sign of life in one of these places. “You have a lot of friends?” She asked reviewing them. Photos. Maria never had many of those to begin with but now she realized she didn’t have any—at least she hadn’t found any of her old photos from before the blip.
“Do I want anything to drink?” She repeated the question to herself “uhm. I will have whatever you’re having.” She paused, so familiar with the ‘I haven’t been around’ apology. “Yeah? Have you been busy, what have you been doing?”
Daisy grabs two beers from the fridge, taking the caps off before offering one to Maria. It feels weird to have someone else in her apartment, especially someone who doesn't really know her. Aside from reputation, neither of them know anything about the other, but that's probably what this is supposed to be. At least they're on more even footing than they would have been if they'd met when she first joined SHIELD. The legend of Maria Hill had been more than a little intimidating then, but not much of anything intimidates her now.
(That's a lie. She's intimidated as hell by the idea of actually settling on Earth again and trying to have what some people refer to as a Life. For the last decade, SHIELD has defined her entire existence, and she can't imagine anything else filling even a fraction of that space.)
"I've been off-world with them," she answers with a fond smile, gesturing with her bottle before taking a sip of her drink. It's a decent middle-range brand, not cheap grossness or ridiculously overpriced craft nonsense. "That's my sister, Kora," she points out the younger-but-actually-older girl grinning in a ridiculous selfie, then continues to other equally silly photos, "and the rest of the Zephyr-3 team. They should be reaching Xandar right about now."
“Yeah? I guess going off-world is getting pretty popular…now…” Maria joked at Fury’s sudden absence, with the mess of what is left on the world. Maria leaned closer to the photo of Kora and she couldn’t help but grin, Kora’s giant smile was infectious. It was hard to believe that was the same Kora who had been such a headache for SHIELD for a bit. Kora’s name and story did precede her but Maria hadn’t put a face to her until now. “I always thought Kora was such a cool name.” She leaned back from looking at the photo. “My sister has a cool name like that too, much cooler than mine… but she’s just like an actuary, a total nerd, seriously, it makes no sense. How does that happen?” Maria laughed and took a sip of her beer.
“How come you’re here and they’re … there…?” She struggled for a better word to ask her question.
And there is perhaps the oddest part of this conversation. There's so much that Maria already knows without having to be told. Kora's story is only known to people within SHIELD and a few others who needed to know for security reasons; to the rest of the world, she's just Daisy's sister, the two of them finally reunited after a lifetime apart.
Kora's smile is infectious, and it's a good sign that Maria is still influenced by it. The expression is genuine, she can tell, and it looks good on her. The former SHIELD agent certainly deserves more reasons to smile, given everything.
"Well, with everyone coming back..." She shrugs, letting it show how she's also struggling with how to phrase things. "I felt like I needed to be here to help. And it was time to let Kora fly on her own for a bit, even though we still talk every day."
It makes her wonder about the sister Maria mentioned, but instead of setting it aside, she just asks. "Are you and your sister close?"
“Yeah, well, that’s good that someone like you wanted to stick around. No one ever prepared for anyone to go come back but I guess, why would they? But, I’ve always heard good things about you. Is that creepy, it is … was … work related.” She paused thinking about how strange everything just was now. “Which reminds me…” She smirked just thinking about what she was about to ask Daisy. “What terrible thing did you do that Coulson saddled you with this unfortunate favor?” Maria understood though, she would do anything Coulson asked personally or professionally.
It was weird to talk with someone about family who wasn’t in her family, she was of course for safety reasons a very private person. But there was just something about the look on Kora’s face in that photo that just made her feel like should could mention it. Plus now it was like she had to talk about them to help restore some order in her life. Plus, she figured Daisy had to be in the same boat about keeping her family stuff close to her chest. “When we were kids yes, but she has a family and I’m always working and then you know the Blip so… but I think so, I should probably figure that out… But we do both work in forms risk assessment, I guess—albeit very different. Are you and Kora close? Are you keeping in touch while she’s off world?”
It really is a weird situation they're in. Knowing each other but not knowing each other, just slowly piecing things together as they go while not fully touching on why they've finally met each other. Their lives have been full of strange things, from aliens to shady organizations and everything in-between, but it's the socially strange element that feels hardest to deal with.
Daisy guesses from the way Maria phrased things that her sister didn't disappear too. If she had, they would have something more to bond over, whereas now there's probably some distance between them that feels insurmountable. But hopefully, they manage to find a way around it and back to each other.
"Yeah, Kora and I are close," she confirms with a nod, leaning against the island counter. "It took a while for us to get there, but now we're family, and it's like we always have been. Coulson's the person I'm closest to, though. We would do anything for each other — which is why I agreed to this favor when he asked. Besides, you know Coulson. He gives you that look and there's no telling him no."
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when all you are is a weapon.
no subject
The blip was the only thing that could make time and life itself seem more like nothing and also everything at the exact same time. Did you lose time in the blip or did you gain time from the absence? How old are you, are you 35 or 40? In what felt like mere moment of absence, the whole world had changed. Everything about life as Maria knew it—as everyone knew it— was entirely different. She didn’t have a home, or a job, or technically an identity because she and billions of other people were basically considered dead or ‘vanished.’ The return from the blip was as chaotic as start of it, mass confusion that seemed like it had never stopped.
Despite these overwhelming problems, there wasn’t much she could do about it except suppress it entirely. The first thing Maria did when her she only had one fully formed foot on the ground was immediately try to get back to work. For a brief few moments of return, she hadn’t even realized anything had happened all she could remember was seeing a car crash, were she and Fury in a crash? When the two of them returned they immediately started helping people not even understanding that they also were need of it.
Nick and Maria truly did try to just slide back into work before even grappling with anything they just experienced but since their calls out to anyone they knew went unanswered, they were left to put some pieces together on their own. There really wasn’t anywhere for them to go until they were finally in contact with Coulson. Even though she was encouraged to definitely not try to return to work, Maria couldn’t help herself if she stopped working for three days she would not function. By day three of trying to get her life figured out she attempted to return to work, but nothing made the reality of the blip hit more than seeing another person sitting at her desk in her office. In fact, “there’s a person in my office” was the very first thing she said to some of her colleagues she had not seen in the last five years.
She was assured the office situation would get figured out, but for now… for awhile she had to spend time getting her life figured out. The world had to spend time getting a new — new way of life figured out. This didn’t stop Hill from trying to get her hands on some kind of project to work on there were plenty of backlogged issues that needed to be addressed from the blip, but trying to jump right when she “worked” out of a barely furnished apartment Coulson was able to help her arrange wasn’t really addressing the issues she personally needed to address head on. When Coulson expressed his concern, she shrugged it off, telling him, “Trust me, it’s like I was never gone.” And that’s how she decided to treat it, at least that’s what she decided to say. Maybe this is why Coulson insisted Maria take some time to meet Daisy. Maria obliged Coulson's request to "acknowledge her" at least. At least the banter between the two of them was a sign that something could be normal again.
no subject
A ridiculous number of hours were spent deciding how to meet the famous Maria Hill. Lunch seems a little too familiar; going for drinks is still casual without assuming any sort of relationship. But going anywhere public poses the challenge of them not being to speak freely. So there was the park, grabbing a coffee and walking so any prying ears could be easily noticed, but that felt wrong too. It needs to be somewhere the other woman could feel comfortable but also easily leave whenever she was ready, be that after five minutes or five hours.
In the end, Daisy extends an invitation to visit her at her apartment. It might be the wrong move, but it's the best she's got. Send her in to fight some supervillain trying to destroy the world and she doesn't break a sweat. Send her to face someone important to her mentor who's probably going through a personal crisis, though, and she's stressing hardcore. But it'll be fine. This will be fine. She's got beer in the fridge and a secret weapon in the form of Coulson's secret recipe for grilled cheese. What could go wrong?
no subject
There were far more important things going on than managing one woman’s psyche—at least that was how she explained it to herself to move on without focusing on it too much. It’s not like she could just blow off global security. Look what happened when she was gone for just five years? Romanoff thanklessly held the world together with a thread, and Hill owed it to her to make sure it stayed together. Someone had to do right by her. Frustratingly, a few months after the blip Maria still wasn’t where she wanted to be. Maybe there were safety reasons that she couldn’t just totally pick up right where she left off—there definitely were logistical reasons she couldn’t seem to get back up to speed the way she wanted to. There were people who worked at Shield now, who didn’t even know who she was. Was weird that it kind of made her laugh, thinking about that.
Maria accepted Daisy’s invite to meet at her apartment, Hill arrived exactly at the time she said she would. She arrived in truly unShield like attire, jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers—long gone were the days of one piece work outfits and high heeled boots. At least something good might have come from blipping. “Johnson, do you know I’m here or am I going to have to knock?” She asked to the door, she tried to keep playful, as if they were old friends, but it might have sounded harsh.
no subject
Maybe that's the real reason Coulson asked her to do this. He always did know how to bring out the potential in others.
The voice at the door is muffled but she has no trouble 'hearing' it, the vibrations in the air pinging against her senses and enhancing the words in a way she couldn't explain to anyone else. She's had her powers for so many years now that so much is instinctual and beyond even her own definition. Every so often, she and Jemma will try to nail something down, her best friend eager to understand ever more about Inhuman biology and abilities, but there are some things they just haven't cracked yet.
Moving to the door, she opens it with an open expression, not even pausing before addressing the other woman in a slightly more playful tone than Maria had managed. "Testing me already, huh?" But she doesn't wait for an answer before stepping back, opening the door wider for Maria to enter. "Come on in."
The apartment isn't anything fancy, though for NYC it probably could be considered that way. SHIELD purchased the entire building shortly after the Chronicom attack, doing the same in various cities around the world to provide secure housing for the agents stationed there. There's a full security system installed, noise shields in every apartment to allow for secure conversations, and any individual modifications needed for enhanced individuals. For Daisy's apartment, that means both bedrooms are lined with the power absorption panels used in containment modules, though they're hidden behind panels that give the rooms a more normal look.
As for the 'public' part of the apartment, there's a little hallway from the door that opens onto the kitchen that's separated from the living room by an island counter that serves as the main dining table. There's a couch and an oversized chair, coffee table and TV mounted to the wall — the colors and decor look like something out of a standard catalog, no real personality infused into those choices because they'd been made before any tenants moved in. No, it's the little things that tell the story of the people who live there — the assortment of instant photos crowding the fridge; the collection of Avengers-themed dancing hula dolls on the bookshelf crowded with bad movies and books from the '70s and '80s; the purple fuzzy blanket folded over the back of the oversized chair. The sisters might not be there much, but each stay leaves a little more of their imprint on the place.
"Do you want anything to drink?" she asks her guest, trying to be a good host when she's more than a little out of practice. "I've got beer, coffee... water?" A little apologetically, she adds, "I haven't been here much lately."
no subject
Maria smirked at Daisy’s reaction to the announcement of her presence as she opened the door. “Well, hello.” She said as the first time she and Daisy had ever stood face to face in their tenure. It was a brief face to face. Was she supposed to introduce herself? How did you meet someone that you knew of, who you knew knew of you? Why waste time saying what is already known, it wasn’t very efficient. Did it make it more awkward? Having taken the time to think about this she realized probably the moment had passed and she had to keep it moving. At least some things were same since before the blip, once you missed your intro window, you missed it.
As she followed Daisy inside she observed her apartment. “This is cute… nice…” Maria quickly self corrected realizing cute could be demeaning in a way she did not intend. “It kind of reminds me of my old apartment—-I know it is like a standard look but it’s almost like a little deja vu.”
Maria’s eyes darted to the photo covered fridge—the true sign of life in one of these places. “You have a lot of friends?” She asked reviewing them. Photos. Maria never had many of those to begin with but now she realized she didn’t have any—at least she hadn’t found any of her old photos from before the blip.
“Do I want anything to drink?” She repeated the question to herself “uhm. I will have whatever you’re having.” She paused, so familiar with the ‘I haven’t been around’ apology. “Yeah? Have you been busy, what have you been doing?”
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(That's a lie. She's intimidated as hell by the idea of actually settling on Earth again and trying to have what some people refer to as a Life. For the last decade, SHIELD has defined her entire existence, and she can't imagine anything else filling even a fraction of that space.)
"I've been off-world with them," she answers with a fond smile, gesturing with her bottle before taking a sip of her drink. It's a decent middle-range brand, not cheap grossness or ridiculously overpriced craft nonsense. "That's my sister, Kora," she points out the younger-but-actually-older girl grinning in a ridiculous selfie, then continues to other equally silly photos, "and the rest of the Zephyr-3 team. They should be reaching Xandar right about now."
Without her.
no subject
“How come you’re here and they’re … there…?” She struggled for a better word to ask her question.
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Kora's smile is infectious, and it's a good sign that Maria is still influenced by it. The expression is genuine, she can tell, and it looks good on her. The former SHIELD agent certainly deserves more reasons to smile, given everything.
"Well, with everyone coming back..." She shrugs, letting it show how she's also struggling with how to phrase things. "I felt like I needed to be here to help. And it was time to let Kora fly on her own for a bit, even though we still talk every day."
It makes her wonder about the sister Maria mentioned, but instead of setting it aside, she just asks. "Are you and your sister close?"
no subject
It was weird to talk with someone about family who wasn’t in her family, she was of course for safety reasons a very private person. But there was just something about the look on Kora’s face in that photo that just made her feel like should could mention it. Plus now it was like she had to talk about them to help restore some order in her life. Plus, she figured Daisy had to be in the same boat about keeping her family stuff close to her chest. “When we were kids yes, but she has a family and I’m always working and then you know the Blip so… but I think so, I should probably figure that out… But we do both work in forms risk assessment, I guess—albeit very different. Are you and Kora close? Are you keeping in touch while she’s off world?”
no subject
Daisy guesses from the way Maria phrased things that her sister didn't disappear too. If she had, they would have something more to bond over, whereas now there's probably some distance between them that feels insurmountable. But hopefully, they manage to find a way around it and back to each other.
"Yeah, Kora and I are close," she confirms with a nod, leaning against the island counter. "It took a while for us to get there, but now we're family, and it's like we always have been. Coulson's the person I'm closest to, though. We would do anything for each other — which is why I agreed to this favor when he asked. Besides, you know Coulson. He gives you that look and there's no telling him no."