[ So many people would just shrug off someone saying something is terrifying, assuming they must be exaggerating or just playing up the dramatics. That's not what this is, though. This is Bucky Barnes being frightened and vulnerable and she can't squash that. He's a bit like a child right now, and she can't help but remember her own childhood when all she'd wanted was for someone to tell her things would be okay. ]
I understand that. I'll answer any questions you have but we'll save the rest for when you ask for it. And— [ She reaches a hand across the small table, turning her palm up in offer. ] It's okay to be scared of all this. Or overwhelmed. Angry. Whatever you're feeling, you're allowed to feel it. And I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but everything will be okay. I promise.
( James lays his right palm over her offered one and just enjoys the touch. He doesn't remember what it's like to touch someone in comfort or desire or simple passing by because every touch he's had was horrible for so long. It feels nice to touch Daisy's hand and know that nothing bad will follow it. It feels nice to know he won't be punished for it. He knows it will take more time than just this day for him to get used to being safe and protected but this is a start. )
Yeah, I just...don't know how to feel. I just know I feel a lot of things all at once and I don't know what to do with it. I haven't had a chance to feel anything and now it feels like everything is dethawing, not just my physical body. Am I supposed to be talking to you about all of this? Or is that not what you're here for?
( He doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems and especially not Daisy who seems to have this as a work assignment and not to be a counselor or...whatever. )
[ As much as another person's touch can hurt, it can also heal. Humans are social creatures and most crave even the smallest connection with another — Daisy is no exception, and she's glad when Bucky places his hand in hers. Maybe this experience will be able to heal them both in some ways. ]
I'm here for anything you need. [ She says it simply but not lightly. ] You can talk about anything you want or need to with me. You've been in our care for a long time, James. I'm talking years. We didn't want to wake you up until we were sure we could help you, but now that we think that's possible, I'll do anything I can for you, even just listening.
I feel a little strange about that. It's like you know me because you've been taking care of me all this time and I know nothing about any of you. I don't know who I am or where I came from but I feel like I'm not used to people making a fuss over me and that it doesn't come from my time with HYDRA.
( Every time he thinks there's a fragment of a memory coming back to him, it slips away before he can grab it. He guesses it will get easier over time since he's only just woken up but he wants to remember things and know who he is without being told it. He needs to know what he's about. )
[ She can't help fix what's been done to him, and she can't keep him from being hurt again. The only thing she can do is try to help him heal and be there for him through the process. It might be a lot to ask of some people, but she'd willingly do more if it's what he needed. ]
So what do you want to know about me? You can ask anything.
( Daisy asks if there's anything he wants to know about her and surprisingly, so many questions bubble to the surface. He hasn't been able to simply talk to another person in so long that it's addictive and he gives her a bright smile while he decides what to ask. )
God, I think I want to ask everything. I haven't talked to anyone in so long that I'm pretty sure I don't remember how to do it. Where are you from? How old are you? Am I the only person you've ever transitioned?
[ The smile looks so good on him, it hurts. Suddenly, all Daisy wants to do is give him more reasons to smile like that, and she makes up her mind to do just that for as long as he'll let her. ]
Okay, okay. Slow down there, mister. [ But she's smiling as she says it with just a hint of teasing. ] I was born in China, but I don't remember it — I grew up in New York City. I'm 32, and you're not exactly the first person I've helped, but the others were Inhumans and they had different things to work through.
32. I could be your great great grandpa or something. And New York, huh? I wonder what that's like. I've been before for...things but I don't know what it would be like to live there.
( Except...there's something in his brain telling him that he does know what it's like to live in New York. Huh. )
I think I like it better away from everything but who am I to say? I just woke up. I'll have to decide later what I prefer.
I prefer living in the city, but sometimes the quiet is nice. Peaceful. Just not ideal when you're trying to avoid your own problems.
[ Which is probably more revealing than he'd been looking for. It's just surprisingly easy to talk to him, even when she does have to be careful with the topics and information he's not ready for yet. ]
I made sure we had things to keep us busy, though. Movies, books, games. Hopefull, they'll keep us from getting too bored.
I wonder if I even remember how to play games. I guess you'll have to teach me the rules and I'll have to trust you're not lying to me. It's strange - there's things that I know I know how to do. I know how to cook, I know how to read, I know how to walk and talk obviously - but there feels like there's so many things that are missing and the things that are in their place are terrifying.
( He knows entirely too much about guns, for example, and just enough about knives. He knows how to fight in just about every situation there is and when he looks at this room, he knows how to identify the exits and how he would attempt an escape. It's eerie. )
I guess the longer I'm awake, the more things will come back?
[ Terrifying. She can only imagine, and even then, she's pretty sure her imagination pales in comparison to reality. The things HYDRA was capable of... ]
That's the hope. We don't know how much damage might have been done to your mind, but we're fairly confident that your memories weren't actually erased, just suppressed. It's kind of like when you write on paper with a pencil, erase it, and repeat the process — the original impression is still always there.
[ After a moment's pause, her expression sobers and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. ]
But if things don't come back on their own, we have things we can explore. I promise you won't be alone for any of it, and you can say no at any time. We aren't HYDRA. We aren't going to force you to do anything except stay here until it's safe for you to leave. Okay?
I have the sense I know how to take care of myself but maybe not, considering HYDRA had me. Still, you have to figure out how to...acclimate me. I haven't really experienced the world for the last couple decades.
( Enough to know some basic technology and how to evade it, yes, but nothing practical. It's going to be a learning curve but he's always liked learning. )
If I don't want to do something and I back out, it's fine? I know you're saying it's fine but I don't know if that's just what they told you to say or if it's true. Is it true, Daisy?
[ Acclimating him to the modern world isn't something she's worried about. Coulson briefed her on what was provided to Steve when he'd first come out of the ice, and Bucky's had a lot more experience moving through the world since the 1940s. ]
Yeah, James, it's true. [ She lifts a hand to run through her hair before shaking her head. ] Everyone here was betrayed by HYDRA and suffered because of them. We want to help you get past what they did, but we're not going to force anything on you.
Good. Because I would fight my way out and I know you think this place can hold me but I would figure it out. I've never been trapped for long. Too programmed to survive no matter the cost.
( The trick to this place would be subduing Daisy herself, he thinks, but he doesn't think it will come to that. He believes her when she says she doesn't want to hurt him and that SHIELD doesn't want to hurt him. He has to believe in something or he'll go insane so he's decided he'll believe her. )
I don't want to be programmed to do that anymore, though.
You won't be programmed to do anything anymore when we're done here.
[ There's a flatness to her voice because it's better than letting loose the spike of anger that flares up in her. She'll never be able to move past the fury she feels at what was done to him. Even when he's living a life free from these shackles, she'll still rage at what HYDRA took from him. ]
But we know this place wouldn't be able to hold you for long. It's more to slow you down if something triggers you and to stop anyone who might try to get in. Both of those are part of why I'm here, too — I'm more formidable than I look.
Probably a good idea to have someone here who could possibly slow me down. I don't know what I might do if I lose my mind again and I become...him. I would never hurt you Daisy, I hope you know that, but I might not be able to control myself if I'm under.
( He fears it more than anything, honestly, and he doesn't know how to protect himself from it. Daisy says they're working on that and he won't have to worry but he thinks he'll always worry about this. )
I'll do anything to protect you from him, Daisy. You have my word.
[ It feels like too little to say in the face of what he's promising her, but what else is there? They both know there's no guarantee it won't come to that, or that she won't have to take him down to stop him from hurting someone else. All either of them can do is promise to try.
She takes another sip of her coffee before gesturing out the curtained window at the daylight beyond the unbreakable glass. It's a bit cloudy but the Alaskan wilderness will still be breathtaking to behold. ]
So, James, how do you want to spend your day? You've got lots of options and it's entirely your call.
I guess I should probably catch up on some history. I know what I did but there's a hell of a lot of the world that I missed and I think I should get started on learning major events so I'm not...lost. I think I'll feel more grounded.
( James thinks he likes history, actually, but he's not really sure because he doesn't know what he likes and dislikes yet. Maybe he'll learn in the process of talking to Daisy about things today. )
Does that sound like something we could do? I know we can't cover everything in a day or anything but we could start.
[ History probably is a good place for him to start, come to think of it. He's missed a lot in the last seventy-some years, and he'll be able to fit in and understand today's world better if he knows the events that shaped it.
Nodding with a smile, she stands, picking up her coffee and turning to head to the couch set in front of the shiny new flat-screen TV. ]
Come on, I'll introduce you to the wide wonderful worlds of YouTube and Wikipedia.
[ There are a few 'Major Events of the Twentieth Century' videos she'd bookmarked for just this purpose. Broad overviews that would give him a big picture understanding and a jumping off point for figuring out what he'd like to know more about. ]
( James recognizes the technology even though he hasn't ever used it. He's used advanced weaponry - remote bombs, grenades launchers, RPGs - but he had been more in the interest in disabling technology than using it for anything. The Winter Soldier doesn't need technology. James does, though, if he intends to live in the world again. )
I don't think you're gonna be shocked if I tell you I don't know what either of those are. I think that mounted thing is a television but that's just because I've shot a couple in my day. I've never used one for the intended purpose. I don't remember being a kid or being in school but I guess that's what today is, huh? Going to school to catch up on what I missed?
[ It's an adorable way of looking at it, to be honest, and one that she will happily reinforce. Daisy does her best to be a good teacher, trying to show and explain things to Bucky without seeming condescending or making him feel like an ignorant child. Missing so many decades of technical evolution might have him at a slight disadvantage, but if he wants to learn, she'll teach him everything she knows. (Well, not everything, unless he really wants to learn hacking...)
Hours go by as she shows him how to navigate menus and adjust settings, followed by actually watching content and reading articles. History isn't exactly her forte, that's more Coulson's deal, but she's a master at internet searches and has no problem finding the answers to his questions. By the end of their impromptu tutoring session, she's offering to get him a tablet of his own so he can continue his research whenever he wants. ]
You sure I'm gonna be good at this with the metal hand? I'm a rightie, so that helps, but I might end up crunching your little tablet if I'm not careful.
( It's a joke, though, and he grins. James isn't sure if this is who he is or not but he's in good spirits after learning things all afternoon and he's found that he likes Daisy, a lot, and if he has to be in prison at least the warden is a lot of fun.
He swipes at the tablet the way she showed him and it turns a page on the website he's reading about the late 1970s. He'd been frozen then and he has no idea what happened. )
Can you get books on these things? Or just the internet?
We'll put a case on it. [ She counters easily and playfully, not the least bit concerned about stepping on eggshells regarding the metal arm. If he can make jokes about it, then so can she. ]
Just about any book you could possibly want can be found on the internet, and subsequently in SHIELD's library. I'll make sure you have full access so you can browse to your heart's content.
[ She wonders what sort of books he used to like to read before the war. What were his interests back then? Will they be the same now as he struggles to find himself again, or has life changed who he is on such a fundamental level as that? ]
So every single book I could ever want could be right here on this little thing? I don't think I can believe that but you look honest so I guess I have to believe it just this once. I'll have to do my own investigation.
( It's full of information right now, though, and it's absolutely fascinating to see what he's missed and the things he wasn't involved in. Bucky thinks he's going to have his head in this thing for a while and if SHIELD expects anything different, he might disappoint them. )
I'm old and traditional, though. I'm used to paper.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I understand that. I'll answer any questions you have but we'll save the rest for when you ask for it. And— [ She reaches a hand across the small table, turning her palm up in offer. ] It's okay to be scared of all this. Or overwhelmed. Angry. Whatever you're feeling, you're allowed to feel it. And I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but everything will be okay. I promise.
no subject
Yeah, I just...don't know how to feel. I just know I feel a lot of things all at once and I don't know what to do with it. I haven't had a chance to feel anything and now it feels like everything is dethawing, not just my physical body. Am I supposed to be talking to you about all of this? Or is that not what you're here for?
( He doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems and especially not Daisy who seems to have this as a work assignment and not to be a counselor or...whatever. )
no subject
I'm here for anything you need. [ She says it simply but not lightly. ] You can talk about anything you want or need to with me. You've been in our care for a long time, James. I'm talking years. We didn't want to wake you up until we were sure we could help you, but now that we think that's possible, I'll do anything I can for you, even just listening.
no subject
( Every time he thinks there's a fragment of a memory coming back to him, it slips away before he can grab it. He guesses it will get easier over time since he's only just woken up but he wants to remember things and know who he is without being told it. He needs to know what he's about. )
So thank you.
no subject
[ She can't help fix what's been done to him, and she can't keep him from being hurt again. The only thing she can do is try to help him heal and be there for him through the process. It might be a lot to ask of some people, but she'd willingly do more if it's what he needed. ]
So what do you want to know about me? You can ask anything.
no subject
God, I think I want to ask everything. I haven't talked to anyone in so long that I'm pretty sure I don't remember how to do it. Where are you from? How old are you? Am I the only person you've ever transitioned?
no subject
Okay, okay. Slow down there, mister. [ But she's smiling as she says it with just a hint of teasing. ] I was born in China, but I don't remember it — I grew up in New York City. I'm 32, and you're not exactly the first person I've helped, but the others were Inhumans and they had different things to work through.
no subject
( Except...there's something in his brain telling him that he does know what it's like to live in New York. Huh. )
I think I like it better away from everything but who am I to say? I just woke up. I'll have to decide later what I prefer.
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[ Which is probably more revealing than he'd been looking for. It's just surprisingly easy to talk to him, even when she does have to be careful with the topics and information he's not ready for yet. ]
I made sure we had things to keep us busy, though. Movies, books, games. Hopefull, they'll keep us from getting too bored.
no subject
( He knows entirely too much about guns, for example, and just enough about knives. He knows how to fight in just about every situation there is and when he looks at this room, he knows how to identify the exits and how he would attempt an escape. It's eerie. )
I guess the longer I'm awake, the more things will come back?
no subject
That's the hope. We don't know how much damage might have been done to your mind, but we're fairly confident that your memories weren't actually erased, just suppressed. It's kind of like when you write on paper with a pencil, erase it, and repeat the process — the original impression is still always there.
[ After a moment's pause, her expression sobers and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. ]
But if things don't come back on their own, we have things we can explore. I promise you won't be alone for any of it, and you can say no at any time. We aren't HYDRA. We aren't going to force you to do anything except stay here until it's safe for you to leave. Okay?
no subject
( Enough to know some basic technology and how to evade it, yes, but nothing practical. It's going to be a learning curve but he's always liked learning. )
If I don't want to do something and I back out, it's fine? I know you're saying it's fine but I don't know if that's just what they told you to say or if it's true. Is it true, Daisy?
no subject
Yeah, James, it's true. [ She lifts a hand to run through her hair before shaking her head. ] Everyone here was betrayed by HYDRA and suffered because of them. We want to help you get past what they did, but we're not going to force anything on you.
no subject
( The trick to this place would be subduing Daisy herself, he thinks, but he doesn't think it will come to that. He believes her when she says she doesn't want to hurt him and that SHIELD doesn't want to hurt him. He has to believe in something or he'll go insane so he's decided he'll believe her. )
I don't want to be programmed to do that anymore, though.
no subject
[ There's a flatness to her voice because it's better than letting loose the spike of anger that flares up in her. She'll never be able to move past the fury she feels at what was done to him. Even when he's living a life free from these shackles, she'll still rage at what HYDRA took from him. ]
But we know this place wouldn't be able to hold you for long. It's more to slow you down if something triggers you and to stop anyone who might try to get in. Both of those are part of why I'm here, too — I'm more formidable than I look.
no subject
( He fears it more than anything, honestly, and he doesn't know how to protect himself from it. Daisy says they're working on that and he won't have to worry but he thinks he'll always worry about this. )
I'll do anything to protect you from him, Daisy. You have my word.
no subject
[ It feels like too little to say in the face of what he's promising her, but what else is there? They both know there's no guarantee it won't come to that, or that she won't have to take him down to stop him from hurting someone else. All either of them can do is promise to try.
She takes another sip of her coffee before gesturing out the curtained window at the daylight beyond the unbreakable glass. It's a bit cloudy but the Alaskan wilderness will still be breathtaking to behold. ]
So, James, how do you want to spend your day? You've got lots of options and it's entirely your call.
no subject
( James thinks he likes history, actually, but he's not really sure because he doesn't know what he likes and dislikes yet. Maybe he'll learn in the process of talking to Daisy about things today. )
Does that sound like something we could do? I know we can't cover everything in a day or anything but we could start.
no subject
Nodding with a smile, she stands, picking up her coffee and turning to head to the couch set in front of the shiny new flat-screen TV. ]
Come on, I'll introduce you to the wide wonderful worlds of YouTube and Wikipedia.
[ There are a few 'Major Events of the Twentieth Century' videos she'd bookmarked for just this purpose. Broad overviews that would give him a big picture understanding and a jumping off point for figuring out what he'd like to know more about. ]
no subject
I don't think you're gonna be shocked if I tell you I don't know what either of those are. I think that mounted thing is a television but that's just because I've shot a couple in my day. I've never used one for the intended purpose. I don't remember being a kid or being in school but I guess that's what today is, huh? Going to school to catch up on what I missed?
no subject
[ It's an adorable way of looking at it, to be honest, and one that she will happily reinforce. Daisy does her best to be a good teacher, trying to show and explain things to Bucky without seeming condescending or making him feel like an ignorant child. Missing so many decades of technical evolution might have him at a slight disadvantage, but if he wants to learn, she'll teach him everything she knows. (Well, not everything, unless he really wants to learn hacking...)
Hours go by as she shows him how to navigate menus and adjust settings, followed by actually watching content and reading articles. History isn't exactly her forte, that's more Coulson's deal, but she's a master at internet searches and has no problem finding the answers to his questions. By the end of their impromptu tutoring session, she's offering to get him a tablet of his own so he can continue his research whenever he wants. ]
no subject
( It's a joke, though, and he grins. James isn't sure if this is who he is or not but he's in good spirits after learning things all afternoon and he's found that he likes Daisy, a lot, and if he has to be in prison at least the warden is a lot of fun.
He swipes at the tablet the way she showed him and it turns a page on the website he's reading about the late 1970s. He'd been frozen then and he has no idea what happened. )
Can you get books on these things? Or just the internet?
no subject
Just about any book you could possibly want can be found on the internet, and subsequently in SHIELD's library. I'll make sure you have full access so you can browse to your heart's content.
[ She wonders what sort of books he used to like to read before the war. What were his interests back then? Will they be the same now as he struggles to find himself again, or has life changed who he is on such a fundamental level as that? ]
no subject
( It's full of information right now, though, and it's absolutely fascinating to see what he's missed and the things he wasn't involved in. Bucky thinks he's going to have his head in this thing for a while and if SHIELD expects anything different, he might disappoint them. )
I'm old and traditional, though. I'm used to paper.