Coffee sounds great. You know, Daisy - I don't know how I take my coffee. Isn't that a thing that people normally know? How they take their coffee?
( James has no memory of such simple things as that. He doesn't remember favorite foods, how to take his coffee, whether or not he likes tea, if he prefers sweet things or savory things. These are all normal things to know about oneself but he knows none of them at all. )
I guess I'm going to have to figure it out, right?
[ Daisy nods and turns back to the coffee maker, grabbing the carafe again and filling it with water to add to the reservoir. ]
It's kind of exciting, though. Most people don't remember the first time they try things — unless they're traveling and trying a new type of food or something. But you'll be able to remember learning all of this about yourself.
[ Because no one is taking those memories from him. She's willing to put her life on the line to protect him if anyone tries. With a push of the button, the machine makes a little sound and starts heating up the water. The cabinet above has a box of sugar packets and another of little single creamer pods that she removes, shaking out a little pile of each into a bowl. ]
It's true, I'm learning it for myself. Let's try one of each and see if that's what I like.
( James carefully pulls out a singular creamer pod and a singular packet of sugar and lines them up perpendicular to the edge of the table. He doesn't know why he's so neat about it, only that he is, and he chances a smile at Daisy. It feels awkward and wrong but maybe it's right. )
[ She encourages his smile with one of her own, not even thinking that he might be worried about expressing himself. Smiles and laughter are just things she wants to encourage in general because he deserves them. Freshly brewed coffee starts dripping into the carafe, filling the small cabin with a delicious smell to match the aroma of the pancakes. ]
If it's not what you like, you can try again. I take my coffee different ways depending on how good the coffee itself is. Fancy coffee shops? I drink it black. Greasy diners? Lots of cream and sugar. So it doesn't have to be one size fits all.
( James tries to think if he has a reference for either of those things and he does but it isn't good so he puts it aside. All of his memories are tainted dark and have shadows licking at them and he wants memories like these where he's warm and safe and with someone who isn't trying to hurt him. )
You're the first person who hasn't hurt me or I haven't had to hurt in longer than I remember. I don't...know how to act. I might do it wrong or something and I don't want to do that.
[ Daisy has little patience when it comes to coffee. As soon as the carafe is half full, she picks it up, a few drops sizzling on the hot plate before the stopper kicks in. Two mugs are filled with the delicious hot liquid, and then she plops a spoon into each before taking them to the table. ]
It'll be okay. Like I said before, I'm here to help you get through this.
[ Settling into her chair, she picks out her own pod of creamer and packet of sugar, shaking each to pour into her mug. ]
We'll take a few days to get you settled before we start trying out different treatments. We can talk or watch movies or just sit. You can catch up on world news or read books. We even have a gym here.
I think I've had enough of training my body for right now. I might like to go for a run or something, though, just to see what outside looks like. I've never been able to just be...free.
( He has the coffee now and he puts his packet of sugar and his creamer in and sips it and then makes a face before getting one more packet of sugar to add in. )
[ She nods at his mention of going for a run, hoping he takes it as encouragement. Freedom is something she wishes she could give him right this second, and she would in a heartbeat, no matter the cost. But as much as she hates being a sort of keeper for him, it just isn't safe for him to be out in the world right now — for the world or for him. They've done their best to take out anyone who might have had knowledge of the Winter Soldier program, but there's no telling if they'd missed one.
She won't let him be used like that again. ]
A lot of people do. [ Taking a sip of her own steaming coffee, she frowns a little and reaches for her own additional sugar packets. ] Not the best I've ever had, but also not the worst. I'll make the next pot less strong.
[ With two sugar packets plucked from the bowl, she leaves one resting on the table and shakes the other before tearing the edge and dumping it into her cup. A little stir, another sip, and she removes the spoon with a tap to shake off excess liquid before resting it on the table. The extra packet stays where it is. ]
( There's something soothing about this, this normal little ritual, and James thinks he can get used to this. It's a lot to get used to at once - semi-freedom, a name, being able to have preferences. It feels like too much and not enough all at once. Maybe that's why Daisy is supposed to transition him. He doesn't think he could handle all of this all at once and with her here, he can ask for things when he feels like he can process them, even if the thing is something as simple as drinking coffee. )
It's weird, you know? I don't know anything about who I was and I sort of don't want to know. I might be different now. Did I smoke? Did I play sports? What did I like? Did I have a family? It's a lot of questions and I don't know if I'm ready for the answers.
( He knows that Daisy has some of those answers if not all of them and he has to pace himself in seeking those answers. )
[ There were so many parallels between their stories, and yet Bucky's is at every turn so much worse than her own. Answers were something she'd searched for since she was old enough to ask the questions, so she can understand where he's coming from, but to not know anything about himself... ]
You don't have to be ready now. There's no rush. I didn't know you before, but I have it on good authority that you were pretty great. I'm sure the person you are now will be just as amazing, even if it might be in different ways.
[ She takes another sip of her coffee and shrugs a shoulder. ]
Besides, everyone changes as they go through life. I'm definitely not the same person I was a decade ago.
I guess everyone changes, yeah. I just don’t know who I was so I don’t know who to be. It’s kind of terrifying. Everything is terrifying.
( James doesn’t know if he should be admitting this because it shows a true weakness but he does it anyway because it feels as if a stopper has been loosed and the emotions he’s held tight are coming free. He doesn’t know what to do with them but get them out and Daisy is the only person there to hear what he has to say. She says she’s here for just that but he has to wonder if it isn’t bothersome, hearing these strange worries of his. )
I don’t even know if who I was will ever come back to me. That’s why I don’t want to know. I want to remember it, not learn it by rote from a dossier.
[ So many people would just shrug off someone saying something is terrifying, assuming they must be exaggerating or just playing up the dramatics. That's not what this is, though. This is Bucky Barnes being frightened and vulnerable and she can't squash that. He's a bit like a child right now, and she can't help but remember her own childhood when all she'd wanted was for someone to tell her things would be okay. ]
I understand that. I'll answer any questions you have but we'll save the rest for when you ask for it. And— [ She reaches a hand across the small table, turning her palm up in offer. ] It's okay to be scared of all this. Or overwhelmed. Angry. Whatever you're feeling, you're allowed to feel it. And I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but everything will be okay. I promise.
( James lays his right palm over her offered one and just enjoys the touch. He doesn't remember what it's like to touch someone in comfort or desire or simple passing by because every touch he's had was horrible for so long. It feels nice to touch Daisy's hand and know that nothing bad will follow it. It feels nice to know he won't be punished for it. He knows it will take more time than just this day for him to get used to being safe and protected but this is a start. )
Yeah, I just...don't know how to feel. I just know I feel a lot of things all at once and I don't know what to do with it. I haven't had a chance to feel anything and now it feels like everything is dethawing, not just my physical body. Am I supposed to be talking to you about all of this? Or is that not what you're here for?
( He doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems and especially not Daisy who seems to have this as a work assignment and not to be a counselor or...whatever. )
[ As much as another person's touch can hurt, it can also heal. Humans are social creatures and most crave even the smallest connection with another — Daisy is no exception, and she's glad when Bucky places his hand in hers. Maybe this experience will be able to heal them both in some ways. ]
I'm here for anything you need. [ She says it simply but not lightly. ] You can talk about anything you want or need to with me. You've been in our care for a long time, James. I'm talking years. We didn't want to wake you up until we were sure we could help you, but now that we think that's possible, I'll do anything I can for you, even just listening.
I feel a little strange about that. It's like you know me because you've been taking care of me all this time and I know nothing about any of you. I don't know who I am or where I came from but I feel like I'm not used to people making a fuss over me and that it doesn't come from my time with HYDRA.
( Every time he thinks there's a fragment of a memory coming back to him, it slips away before he can grab it. He guesses it will get easier over time since he's only just woken up but he wants to remember things and know who he is without being told it. He needs to know what he's about. )
[ She can't help fix what's been done to him, and she can't keep him from being hurt again. The only thing she can do is try to help him heal and be there for him through the process. It might be a lot to ask of some people, but she'd willingly do more if it's what he needed. ]
So what do you want to know about me? You can ask anything.
( Daisy asks if there's anything he wants to know about her and surprisingly, so many questions bubble to the surface. He hasn't been able to simply talk to another person in so long that it's addictive and he gives her a bright smile while he decides what to ask. )
God, I think I want to ask everything. I haven't talked to anyone in so long that I'm pretty sure I don't remember how to do it. Where are you from? How old are you? Am I the only person you've ever transitioned?
[ The smile looks so good on him, it hurts. Suddenly, all Daisy wants to do is give him more reasons to smile like that, and she makes up her mind to do just that for as long as he'll let her. ]
Okay, okay. Slow down there, mister. [ But she's smiling as she says it with just a hint of teasing. ] I was born in China, but I don't remember it — I grew up in New York City. I'm 32, and you're not exactly the first person I've helped, but the others were Inhumans and they had different things to work through.
32. I could be your great great grandpa or something. And New York, huh? I wonder what that's like. I've been before for...things but I don't know what it would be like to live there.
( Except...there's something in his brain telling him that he does know what it's like to live in New York. Huh. )
I think I like it better away from everything but who am I to say? I just woke up. I'll have to decide later what I prefer.
I prefer living in the city, but sometimes the quiet is nice. Peaceful. Just not ideal when you're trying to avoid your own problems.
[ Which is probably more revealing than he'd been looking for. It's just surprisingly easy to talk to him, even when she does have to be careful with the topics and information he's not ready for yet. ]
I made sure we had things to keep us busy, though. Movies, books, games. Hopefull, they'll keep us from getting too bored.
I wonder if I even remember how to play games. I guess you'll have to teach me the rules and I'll have to trust you're not lying to me. It's strange - there's things that I know I know how to do. I know how to cook, I know how to read, I know how to walk and talk obviously - but there feels like there's so many things that are missing and the things that are in their place are terrifying.
( He knows entirely too much about guns, for example, and just enough about knives. He knows how to fight in just about every situation there is and when he looks at this room, he knows how to identify the exits and how he would attempt an escape. It's eerie. )
I guess the longer I'm awake, the more things will come back?
[ Terrifying. She can only imagine, and even then, she's pretty sure her imagination pales in comparison to reality. The things HYDRA was capable of... ]
That's the hope. We don't know how much damage might have been done to your mind, but we're fairly confident that your memories weren't actually erased, just suppressed. It's kind of like when you write on paper with a pencil, erase it, and repeat the process — the original impression is still always there.
[ After a moment's pause, her expression sobers and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. ]
But if things don't come back on their own, we have things we can explore. I promise you won't be alone for any of it, and you can say no at any time. We aren't HYDRA. We aren't going to force you to do anything except stay here until it's safe for you to leave. Okay?
I have the sense I know how to take care of myself but maybe not, considering HYDRA had me. Still, you have to figure out how to...acclimate me. I haven't really experienced the world for the last couple decades.
( Enough to know some basic technology and how to evade it, yes, but nothing practical. It's going to be a learning curve but he's always liked learning. )
If I don't want to do something and I back out, it's fine? I know you're saying it's fine but I don't know if that's just what they told you to say or if it's true. Is it true, Daisy?
[ Acclimating him to the modern world isn't something she's worried about. Coulson briefed her on what was provided to Steve when he'd first come out of the ice, and Bucky's had a lot more experience moving through the world since the 1940s. ]
Yeah, James, it's true. [ She lifts a hand to run through her hair before shaking her head. ] Everyone here was betrayed by HYDRA and suffered because of them. We want to help you get past what they did, but we're not going to force anything on you.
Good. Because I would fight my way out and I know you think this place can hold me but I would figure it out. I've never been trapped for long. Too programmed to survive no matter the cost.
( The trick to this place would be subduing Daisy herself, he thinks, but he doesn't think it will come to that. He believes her when she says she doesn't want to hurt him and that SHIELD doesn't want to hurt him. He has to believe in something or he'll go insane so he's decided he'll believe her. )
I don't want to be programmed to do that anymore, though.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( James has no memory of such simple things as that. He doesn't remember favorite foods, how to take his coffee, whether or not he likes tea, if he prefers sweet things or savory things. These are all normal things to know about oneself but he knows none of them at all. )
I guess I'm going to have to figure it out, right?
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It's kind of exciting, though. Most people don't remember the first time they try things — unless they're traveling and trying a new type of food or something. But you'll be able to remember learning all of this about yourself.
[ Because no one is taking those memories from him. She's willing to put her life on the line to protect him if anyone tries. With a push of the button, the machine makes a little sound and starts heating up the water. The cabinet above has a box of sugar packets and another of little single creamer pods that she removes, shaking out a little pile of each into a bowl. ]
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( James carefully pulls out a singular creamer pod and a singular packet of sugar and lines them up perpendicular to the edge of the table. He doesn't know why he's so neat about it, only that he is, and he chances a smile at Daisy. It feels awkward and wrong but maybe it's right. )
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If it's not what you like, you can try again. I take my coffee different ways depending on how good the coffee itself is. Fancy coffee shops? I drink it black. Greasy diners? Lots of cream and sugar. So it doesn't have to be one size fits all.
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You're the first person who hasn't hurt me or I haven't had to hurt in longer than I remember. I don't...know how to act. I might do it wrong or something and I don't want to do that.
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It'll be okay. Like I said before, I'm here to help you get through this.
[ Settling into her chair, she picks out her own pod of creamer and packet of sugar, shaking each to pour into her mug. ]
We'll take a few days to get you settled before we start trying out different treatments. We can talk or watch movies or just sit. You can catch up on world news or read books. We even have a gym here.
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( He has the coffee now and he puts his packet of sugar and his creamer in and sips it and then makes a face before getting one more packet of sugar to add in. )
I think I must like sweet things.
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She won't let him be used like that again. ]
A lot of people do. [ Taking a sip of her own steaming coffee, she frowns a little and reaches for her own additional sugar packets. ] Not the best I've ever had, but also not the worst. I'll make the next pot less strong.
[ With two sugar packets plucked from the bowl, she leaves one resting on the table and shakes the other before tearing the edge and dumping it into her cup. A little stir, another sip, and she removes the spoon with a tap to shake off excess liquid before resting it on the table. The extra packet stays where it is. ]
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It's weird, you know? I don't know anything about who I was and I sort of don't want to know. I might be different now. Did I smoke? Did I play sports? What did I like? Did I have a family? It's a lot of questions and I don't know if I'm ready for the answers.
( He knows that Daisy has some of those answers if not all of them and he has to pace himself in seeking those answers. )
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You don't have to be ready now. There's no rush. I didn't know you before, but I have it on good authority that you were pretty great. I'm sure the person you are now will be just as amazing, even if it might be in different ways.
[ She takes another sip of her coffee and shrugs a shoulder. ]
Besides, everyone changes as they go through life. I'm definitely not the same person I was a decade ago.
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( James doesn’t know if he should be admitting this because it shows a true weakness but he does it anyway because it feels as if a stopper has been loosed and the emotions he’s held tight are coming free. He doesn’t know what to do with them but get them out and Daisy is the only person there to hear what he has to say. She says she’s here for just that but he has to wonder if it isn’t bothersome, hearing these strange worries of his. )
I don’t even know if who I was will ever come back to me. That’s why I don’t want to know. I want to remember it, not learn it by rote from a dossier.
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I understand that. I'll answer any questions you have but we'll save the rest for when you ask for it. And— [ She reaches a hand across the small table, turning her palm up in offer. ] It's okay to be scared of all this. Or overwhelmed. Angry. Whatever you're feeling, you're allowed to feel it. And I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but everything will be okay. I promise.
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Yeah, I just...don't know how to feel. I just know I feel a lot of things all at once and I don't know what to do with it. I haven't had a chance to feel anything and now it feels like everything is dethawing, not just my physical body. Am I supposed to be talking to you about all of this? Or is that not what you're here for?
( He doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems and especially not Daisy who seems to have this as a work assignment and not to be a counselor or...whatever. )
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I'm here for anything you need. [ She says it simply but not lightly. ] You can talk about anything you want or need to with me. You've been in our care for a long time, James. I'm talking years. We didn't want to wake you up until we were sure we could help you, but now that we think that's possible, I'll do anything I can for you, even just listening.
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( Every time he thinks there's a fragment of a memory coming back to him, it slips away before he can grab it. He guesses it will get easier over time since he's only just woken up but he wants to remember things and know who he is without being told it. He needs to know what he's about. )
So thank you.
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[ She can't help fix what's been done to him, and she can't keep him from being hurt again. The only thing she can do is try to help him heal and be there for him through the process. It might be a lot to ask of some people, but she'd willingly do more if it's what he needed. ]
So what do you want to know about me? You can ask anything.
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God, I think I want to ask everything. I haven't talked to anyone in so long that I'm pretty sure I don't remember how to do it. Where are you from? How old are you? Am I the only person you've ever transitioned?
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Okay, okay. Slow down there, mister. [ But she's smiling as she says it with just a hint of teasing. ] I was born in China, but I don't remember it — I grew up in New York City. I'm 32, and you're not exactly the first person I've helped, but the others were Inhumans and they had different things to work through.
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( Except...there's something in his brain telling him that he does know what it's like to live in New York. Huh. )
I think I like it better away from everything but who am I to say? I just woke up. I'll have to decide later what I prefer.
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[ Which is probably more revealing than he'd been looking for. It's just surprisingly easy to talk to him, even when she does have to be careful with the topics and information he's not ready for yet. ]
I made sure we had things to keep us busy, though. Movies, books, games. Hopefull, they'll keep us from getting too bored.
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( He knows entirely too much about guns, for example, and just enough about knives. He knows how to fight in just about every situation there is and when he looks at this room, he knows how to identify the exits and how he would attempt an escape. It's eerie. )
I guess the longer I'm awake, the more things will come back?
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That's the hope. We don't know how much damage might have been done to your mind, but we're fairly confident that your memories weren't actually erased, just suppressed. It's kind of like when you write on paper with a pencil, erase it, and repeat the process — the original impression is still always there.
[ After a moment's pause, her expression sobers and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. ]
But if things don't come back on their own, we have things we can explore. I promise you won't be alone for any of it, and you can say no at any time. We aren't HYDRA. We aren't going to force you to do anything except stay here until it's safe for you to leave. Okay?
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( Enough to know some basic technology and how to evade it, yes, but nothing practical. It's going to be a learning curve but he's always liked learning. )
If I don't want to do something and I back out, it's fine? I know you're saying it's fine but I don't know if that's just what they told you to say or if it's true. Is it true, Daisy?
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Yeah, James, it's true. [ She lifts a hand to run through her hair before shaking her head. ] Everyone here was betrayed by HYDRA and suffered because of them. We want to help you get past what they did, but we're not going to force anything on you.
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( The trick to this place would be subduing Daisy herself, he thinks, but he doesn't think it will come to that. He believes her when she says she doesn't want to hurt him and that SHIELD doesn't want to hurt him. He has to believe in something or he'll go insane so he's decided he'll believe her. )
I don't want to be programmed to do that anymore, though.
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